Last week I sat outside under a canopy of trees cut off from the always busy Wabash Avenue. Cut off from the constant shouldness of the world. The bullshit dulled down and put on silent. Darkness surrounding me. A little candle casting a small light by my side. Knees tucked in to my chest. A hot mug of tea nestled in my hands. Sip. Listen. Pause. Reflect. Conversation flowing with my dear, beautiful mother sitting next to me. A soul-warming awareness descending upon me as I realized that the simplicity of this moment is so perfect and magical. This is what I seek in life. These small moments. For they are what make up a majority of life. How often do we get lost in a future trip and the next BIG moment, that we overlook the small moment we are in?
As we sit talking effortlessly back and forth, we dive deeper and deeper. For the delicacy of life is a constant in my life. In all our lives. It is all our fates that we will die. As we sit there my mother recounts her memories of her younger cousins final days. His friend looks at him after he has been given days to live, “I’d give anything to know what is going on in that head of yours.” Tim looks up at him, “None of this matters.” Boom. Truth. We create all THIS. Stress.Bullshit. Drama. Unhappiness. Busyness. Discontentment. Distractions. Numbness. Addiction. Life devoid of passion, purpose and drive. We are status seekers. Especially in adulthood. We lose our contentness with life’s true joy. We live life as we feel we ‘should’. How often do we feel truly present in life? How often do we step back? Look at the bigger picture? Appreciate all we have? All we have worked for. We are busy creating something and working towards something right. What is it all for? How often do we take in the moment with our families, instead of focusig on what drives us nuts? How often do we enjoy the pleasure of our children, rather than focusing solely on raising them ‘right’? How often do we let go? How often do we stop trying to control everything. How often do we accept life in it’s imperfect beauty? How often do we forgive ourselves for our past blunders and mistakes? How often do we forgive others? How often do we say how we feel? How often do we say I love you? How often are we open to love? How often are we vulnerable? How often do we allow ourselves to accept life and the magic of this moment in time? Are we so busy that we forget to actually live our lives? What holds us back from fully embracing life? Our dreams? Love? Connection?
And so I go back to being thankful. To being grateful. I start my days off going through some of the things I am thankful for. It instantly overwhelms me with a sense of abundance. How fortunate I am. From this state I am able to seek, create and value those little magic moments in life. They can be small. But they fill me with joy. What are your magic moments. Because here are some of the moments I want more of in my life:
- More nights out under the tree with my mother. Sharing. Connecting. Sipping tea as the world passes us by.
- More days where my best friend hide out in her bed watching silly shows and napping.
- More date nights with my man. Going to dinner. Watching movies. Being Silly. Laughter. I always want more laughter. More genuine smiles.
- More Friday nights in my kitchen baking for the market while my cousin Angelica entertains me by doing handstands, singing, talking, and shooting Buzzfeed quiz questions my way.
- More rainy Sunday’s off nestled in my book nook, lost in an adventure, sipping kombucha.
- More days stretched out in a hammock, journal in hand, clearing my thoughts, taking Nature in. Smells. Touch. Sounds.
- More early morning hikes before the world wakes and work to chase the sunrise.
- More afternoons sitting with my friend Julie surrounded by paint. An empty canvas in front of us. Creativity brimming. Possibilities of what we can create infinite. Conversation effortless.
- More days at work doing what I love. Baking pies from scratch. Being covered in flour, mouth set just right as I work on braiding a pie crust. The smell of fresh baked goods in the air.
- Impromptu football games with my nephews barefoot in the grass at twilight. Tackling. Touchdown dances. More laughter.
- More moments where I let go. Like really let go. Where I take off running down a hill as fast as I can. Slightly out of control, rapidly breathing as I tear down the slope. As a deer leaps in front of me crossing the same path. And my laughter echos off the trees. Or when my mom and I jump in the car with my nephews and we take them to Deming Park to do the same thing. The sheer happiness on their faces as the twins take off after their older cousins. Or when we visit in the winter. When my mom pops into the coffee shop I’m working at to demand that I get in the car now. WE’RE SLEDDING. And we set off in the dark with our sleds and scream and laugh some more as we crash and burn, get back up and do it again. Or when we take the twins and they fearlessly take off after the geese, completely disregarding their hisses or the water in front of them.
- More moments in my apartment, surrounded by my family friends. Trying to tackle my brother, only to wind up pinned to the floor, so my boyfriend can join in and tickle me.
- More nights sitting and talking about music with my cousins and boyfriend. Passing around a bottle of raspberry beer. The volume increasing with each sip and our growing excitement.
- More nights of euchre and shouting out at my grandma and grandpa Paulin’s. When we’ve finally come from all over the US to settle into a little house on a lake, catching up and playing like kids.
- More moments in the car with Chelsey and Heather, with some British artist like Sam Smith or Ed Sheeran. When the music is blasting and we sing. Really sing. At the top of our lungs, leaving our whole heart out on the floor with each performance. In our minds we sound just like them. Why are we not rock stars? We killed it! Always encouraging and not one of us judging or putting the other one down for their singing. A rare moment of security and vulnerability. Where we can be ourselves.
- More dancing. I love dancing. And I don’t mean just swaying, feeling the beat, keeping it restrained dancing. I mean DANCING. Hair swinging. Music taking over. Truly feeling the beat. Looking a fool and not even caring.
- More moments like that at Sonka’s. Sitting around having a beer. Reminiscing. Hugs on the way out. Thankful. Thankful for each other. For this time. For this moment.
There are so many more moments that I want. That I seek. Life is so very precious. I do not want to waste it being mad or feeling sorry for myself or being negative. I ache for memories. For presence. How do I spend my time? How can I create more moments? How can I make more time for things and people who bring me joy? I am always self-evaluating because I want to get the most out of this life. There is no time to waste.